I thought this was spot on…thanks for revealing another part of life people don’t like to think about. The subtleties change whether friends or business contact, or somewhere in between…thats the trick…the balancing act and emotional involvement.

I was having a talk with Ryan Knapp the other day about this topic exactly. Every relationship is a give and take, and the interesting part, is that when the feelings are reciprocate, when someone admires the other one more, or when they give more, the relationship falls apart, it’s either a boring one, or a conflicting one.

Being clear about how we can help each other is the smart way to go.

@Vinay: Sounds like you understand completely! Mastery is definitely something to strive for.

@Jonathan: Yup, same idea as ‘paying it forward’ or ‘karma,’ if you prefer. I find that just by making myself available to help people out when they need me, I usually have the same option when I need something.

@Sean: Thanks Sean! Part of why I started this blog was to discuss the tricky stuff people don’t usually like to discuss, so I’m glad that’s coming across! I definitely don’t think everyone using each other is bad…how could it be? Society is based on that very premise (though I suppose it’s also based on never mentioning it…oops!).

@Nate: Kind of like applying the 80/20 Principle to your friendships!

@Diggy: Looking forward to your post!

@Carmen: Ah, I like that. ‘Emotional bank account.’ Definitely has a nice ring to it, and it describes the same concept wonderfully!

@Derek: Yeah, very good point. If you bring up what wonderful things you’re always doing for people, expecting to be compensated in return, you’re kind of missing the whole point of this kind of exchange and kind of being a dick rather than a generous person. Something to be careful of, for sure.

@James: Totally. I feel like just being a good person pays dividends like nothing else. I’ve never understood people who try to get ahead by screwing others over…so much easier (and more sustainable) to just be helpful and friendly and get the same back.

@Don: Happy to have you as a reader, Don! Very good point, too. What you get back should be a secondary concern. Sure, you can be pretty sure you’ll get what you need when you need it, but you should focus FIRST on helping others out. You can’t pull out of the bank account without depositing anything.

@Stephen: Happy to be used, Stephen! Thanks for sharing, too – you bring up some really good points, including the fact that most politicians, lawyers, etc don’t really bring this kind of thing up. I really think it’s a shame that the very people who are supposed to be professional communicators spend so much time concealing and obscuring the truth. If we could all just talk about this stuff, I think we’d be a whole lot better off (but I supposed they’re trying to take more than they’re giving back and that’s why they don’t want people to see what’s going on too clearly).

@Jonny: Haha, well we’ve already broken up (amicably), so I don’t think I’ll have too much trouble I’m pretty sure she would take that title as a compliment in any case…we took networking pretty seriously!

@Mary: Totally. If we all keep using each other (and keeping the relationships as balanced as possible) we’ll all be better off. No man is an island, as they say, and we need a lot of bridges if we’re going to solve all the problems that need solving.

@Sebastian: It’s true, each person you spend time with is an investment, and like any investment you should make sure that time is spent wisely and will result in a return!

@Sandy: Hey Sandy! Glad to hear my SEO is still pulling its own weight! Can’t wait to see your blog post, and I would love to check out your book. Is it out now? If you’re in Seattle you should meet up with Kristin, the first person that commented on this post! She just moved there a few months ago.

@Amber: Good point. It can be a little tedious to ALWAYS filter, and in a lot of cases you don’t really need anything from anyone and they don’t need anything from you (except for mutual companionship, which doesn’t take a lot of analysis to figure out). And unbalanced relationships will work themselves out, usually, so it’s not necessarily something you have to worry about overmuch.

@John: Insightful as always, John! I wonder what will be the next currency after attention?

Before money was invented, a lot of these transactions were bartered. After money came, we could have a “store of value” for those interactions.

In pre-consumer societies there wasn’t much to buy, so the transactions were not so money driven. In our current hyper-consumerism, everybody has something to sell. The only thing more valuable then money is attention.

You don’t want to get stepped on and used, or use other people. Definitely a fine balance. great thoughts

You’ve insightfully nailed what it takes most professionals 10+ years to learn. I’m no doubt going to spend a good part of the day crafting my own blog post about your blog post in my mind. Hopefully, I’ll have time to write and post it tomorrow. I’ll send it to you when I do.

One thing I definitely want to write about is your reference to what I typically refer to as “social capital.” I like “social value” as well and I will also refer to your “wingman” reference, esp since I just dedicated my new book (about networking) to my husband, “my favorite wingman.”

I can also offer that it’s important to disconnect from the unproductive or overly opportunistic and one-sided networking relationships you’ll unfortunately come across. And, for the latter, often, just by association, you could attract more unwelcome attention or unwanted perceptions. As Sebastian said, “You are your peer group.”

Also, don’t spend any more time on connections you make when you recognize that there’s a suspicious or questionable agenda, or they simply aren’t reciprocating or paying it forward. Just move on, and whatever you do, don’t take it personally. Today’s economy has many people coming from a slightly desperate position, and it’s best to just forgive their tactics and practice empathy when you can, but you don’t need to let others take advantage of you. Trust your gut and move on.

Best of luck with your project, and if you make your way to Seattle, please be sure to let me know!

I used to hang around with any old morons but I find focusing on remarkable people improves my quality of life. “You are your peer group”.

Cultivating social value in yourself is mainly a matter of accumulating life experience (how old you are, where you’ve traveled to, who your friends are, which books you have read, your skills and talents) combined with basic social skills (how to start interesting conversations with strangers, social energy/charisma).