Sex and Becoming Philosophically Aligned
People tend to assume a lot of things about me, and that’s just fine. Keeps things interesting.
But one aspect of my life that seems to get an untoward amount of attention are my relationships, and the predictions, commentary and advice offered is often surprising – if not shocking – because of who it comes from.
“You’ll find a pretty girl in some foreign land and settle down soon.”
That’s one I hear most often, and from people of all ages, genders, political affiliations and sexual preferences. Apparently settling down is popular across the board, and lots of folks want me to follow suit.
“You should stop being a man-whore and sleeping your way around the world. Tricking girls into thinking the relationship will go somewhere is bad policy, bro.”
Generally people who know me at all don’t hurl this one at me, but I’ve had quite a few people accuse me of similar things, and generally people who haven’t even read anything I’ve written, spoken to me or otherwise checked their facts tend to assume a lot (I guess if a guy is traveling around the world for any amount of time, he must be getting his jollies by fooling women into bed and then leaving in the middle of the night…stranger things have happened).
Not only does this concept not give women much credit when it comes to thinking (thank goodness there’s someone to look out for them, because they certainly can’t think for themselves!), it’s also patently wrong, but I’ll get to that in a second.
There’s one more that I hear, and though it’s not as often, it’s been popping up with increasingly frequency:
“Don’t get tied down. You’re doing the right thing. Enjoy people but don’t offer up your life as a sacrifice.”
I don’t know that I’ve ever heard it in exactly those words, but that’s the gist of what’s said.
Shockingly, it’s not Seattle hipsters or porn actresses or polyamorous couples (quintuples?) who usually give me this warning, but older men and women who have led a more traditional life and experienced many years of happy marriage, have kids, etc.
My personal philosophy on the matter tends to stray more toward what that last group emphasizes: I fill my life with meaningful and valuable relationships. I surround myself with people who enable me to do more rather than those who would limit me in any way.
There’s a knee-jerk reaction (even in the back of my mind…damn Catholic upbringing) to look at this idea and say ‘Oh wow, a guy who doesn’t want to get locked in a relationship, now I’ve seen everything. Ho hum, let’s get some cake,’ but this is a little different in principle and action than just wanting to sleep around and and ‘bro it up.’
If you look at how I live my life – as a traveling entrepreneur and Minimalist – you’ll note some consistent trends in how I approach the world.
I aim for personal education, increased communication and clearing out the clutter to make more room for things I value.
This applies to the stuff I own, of course, but it also applies to my relationships.
When I meet someone that I like and respect and want to get to know better, I do what I can to get more involved with them, whatever shape that involvement might take.
Sometimes this means that we start up a project together, sometimes this means we end up engaging in incredibly deep conversations on whatever topics come to mind, sometimes this means we have what I call a ‘mini-relationship,’ sometimes it means we have a physical relationship…generally it’s a combination of many different things.
Whatever the method, though, the important point is that if you want to truly live your philosophy, it means allowing it to cross over into all aspects of your life, not just where it’s easy and most obvious.
Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk, as the kids say.
Keep in mind I’m not encouraging any particular kind of relationship here, just that you take a good hard look at how you interact with others and manage your relationships and make sure that they jive with your beliefs.
Clearing out your ‘stuff’ might be easier to quantify, but you don’t get points for balancing the books, only living the happiest (and therefore philosophically aligned) life you can.
Just stumbled upon your blog and decided to check this post out first. Typical girl right? Isn't is wonderful how everyone wants to decide what your relationship story is. I am 27, not married and don't have plans to be married anytime soon. Family and friends are always on me for this, but I am doing exactly what I want to be doing right now. If I am OK, then what's their concern. I totally hear ya! Enjoy your meaningful relationships! I know I am! :)
I was in your shoes and traveled the world and did my thing and then I met a foreign girl who I fell in love with in Ukraine. I had the same attitude as you, but the only problem here with this attitude is that when you fall in love you have no control over that... so never say never. And btw, I still travel the world but I take her with me now and we experience it together.
Folks talk about relationships as though they have geologic qualities; as though they must either explode or quietly erode away to nothing. To me, the phrase "settling down" sounds like a euphemism for death.
The ancient Celtic pagans had it right, I think. Their marriage ritual, handfasting, involved picking a partner for a year and a day. At that point, they were offered the option to renew. I think the key here is that everyone in the situation understood the delightfully sexy power in really, truly choosing to be with someone, over and over again. I vote for a reinstatement of the practice.
I think it's funny how people say "be true to yourself" and all that jazz... but then they say "don't be like that, it's wrong." Hey, if what you're doing works for you and you're being honest to everyone involved (sounds like you are) then good for you. It's not right for me, but right now neither is extreme minimalism. Variety is the spice of life.
So what do you do when you find that you're less than impressed by people around you?
People who talk big, give loads of life advice but don't have the results to show it.
Because that's what I'm experiencing right now. People twice my age, thinking they're so wise because they've lived longer than me. Haven't done anything to deserve that wisdom though. Unless you count vegetating in front of the TV and gossiping/judging others acquiring wisdom.
I'll like to remove myself completely from them, but they're relatives and people that I come into contact everyday.
Truthfully, I usually just smile and nod and move on. In most cases people don't want a debate, they want a soap box. If you quietly seem to agree without committing to anything, you aren't lying to them and you aren't trying to force them into a conversation they don't want to have.
My favorite phrases for this kind of 'silent disagreement' include:
"Makes sense."
"Glad to hear you found what works for you!"
"Good deal."
"Interesting stuff, I didn't know that."
Basically giving them credit for wanting to give you advice, but without offending them by telling them that what they know or have experienced isn't really applicable to you. No need to make an enemy.
That being said, every once in a while someone will push the issue, and in that case you should calmly list facts and rational arguments. Don't attack their ideas, don't give opinions. Either one of these things will shut down the part of their brain that allows for integration of new information (this is a physical thing, not a psychological one) and nothing you say will be taken in by them.
Remember, too: there's no need to 'win' in this kind of situation. It's tempting to want to destroy an argument that you feel is crazy or inferior to yours, but you don't gain anything by doing this. Be the bigger person and be calm, collected and rational the whole way through.
Cool post Colin. Needs bunnies.
Everything's better with bunnies.
Did someone say bunnies? :)
The way look at it from my experience is:
Words such as "settling", "locked", "tied", "sacrifice" are indicative of an unhealthy attachment to someone - restricting, confining, stifling - seems almost like one person is being held prisoner by the other. No relationship will last forever that is entered into like this.
Sexual desire subsides sometimes immediately, sometimes over time and it is often a very big surprise to a lot of people - they discover the other persons true nature at this time and a lot of relationships end at this point. Relationships based on sex are also an unhealthy attachment and will not last either.
"Meaningful", "valuable", "respect" - I appreciate the words that you utilize when speaking of relationships - relationships with everyone, friend, lover, whatever, should include these principles. Respect, naturally includes honesty of your intentions. Also, many factors go into a couple being able to be happy together for a lifetime.
Very well said.
I would add that it's not just relationships based on sexual desire that can wane and subside completely, but also fully-balanced relationships. The thing is, people change and it's inevitable that you either stagnate together or continue to grow. Either one is risky, because with the former you both plateau and that's a very negative thing, and with the latter (unless you're prepared for it and able to grow WITH each other, which is incredibly difficult and rare) you will slowly grow apart as you evolve.
Overall, it's just incredibly tough to have a truly perfect relationship, and I would argue that they don't really exist, it's just that some people can be happier working within boundaries than others (which is great for them, because they don't have to worry about this as much! Sucks for the rest of us, though).
In order to have a perfect relationship both would have to have spontaneous unconditional compassion towards each other at all times - difficult for most humans not to get irritated at one time or another. But the more compassion and understanding the couple has towards each other, the better the relationship will be. I would slay mutually agreeable boundaries, subject to discussion and adjustment over time.
The media illusion of what makes the perfect couple and the perfect relationship is spoon fed to people like everything else these days, giving people unrealistic expectations and a feeling of not having all that they need or deserve in a relationship and they become disappointed.
I mean "say" not "slay" too funny.
every person is so much different. It is so hard to tell what is the right thing to do...
It's true, and I would say that there is no one RIGHT thing to do, so much as some smart things to keep in mind that you will then have to adjust based on your particular circumstances.
so, what do you reply when they ask those questions then?
ps polyamorous is actually a word :O
Usually I just smile and nod, knowing that either way my opinion won't matter too much to them.
If anyone truly seems interested, I'm happy to discuss it, of course, but in general I find that people give opinions because doing so makes us feel like we have control over our environment - like we can impact our world, and someone else's.
I don't see much point to arguing with someone over something so small, especially when doing so might upset them, rather than leading to anything positive.
Cool thoughts.
On the topic of settling down, I find marriage an odd tradition and I don't see the point in it. Why spend all that money to swear and promise to someone else that you will love the person in your life? Do you really need to sign some documents and pay a bunch of money to love someone whole heartedly for the rest of your life?
I have goals of being with one girly and raising a family, but marriage seems to be an inconsequential part of that plan. I'll probably get roped into it by the girly and I would do it to make her happy, but I still don't see the point of them...
Yeah, I'm not a huge proponent of it, either, but I get that some people really want it, and that's great if it works for them!
I'm thinking we'll be seeing more and more 'marriage alternatives' in the near-future, since there are fewer and fewer people wanting to be involved with the religious aspects of it, and more people just wanting a way to take their relationship to the next level (which, of course, means something different to everyone).
There is a balance and an answer in there for everyone.
For me, I have been married and divorced, and am now remarried. First time I was young and stupid. 2nd time, I married someone who not only challenges me, but supports me and enhances my life. Best part, she is equally as much up for an adventure as I am, and it fits my life just as I want it. I could not be happier.
It's true.
I doubt there's anyone out there with an identical ideal-path when it comes to relationships.
It complicates things ever further that there are two (or more!) people's needs to consider and fit into the scheme!
Well each to their own. Different strokes for different folks etc. But here's my experience. I was married for 13 years (together 16 years), divorced, various "relationship lites" for several years, chased down some *very* gorgeous women in Malaysia and Thailand. That was fun. Then met someone wonderful (a filipina working as a nurse here in the UK) and we've been together 4 years. But we each maintain separate homes, separate lives, while at the same time sharing many wonderful experiences together. But here's the thing - I will never, ever get married again - because I've discovered it's not right for me. I would never live full-time with a partner again, because it's also not right for me. I really enjoy my own space and freedom, and I've accepted that because it's who I am, I don't want to get married again because of "convention". p.s. and sorry this might be controversial, switching to Asian women made a huge difference for me. I couldn't be happier!
Haha, whatever kind of women (or men) someone happens to prefer, I say more power to them for figuring out what they like and doing it. That's more than most people are able to say, because in general we tend to just do what we're 'supposed' to do based on the ideals of the mainstream public opinion.
And just like design-by-committee, relationships-by-committee are a terrible idea.
Colin,
Very interesting. Would love to discuss this with you in person next time I see you.
Joshua
Deal!
Hey Colin!
Happy new year man!
I can relate to what you're saying in this post. I think it comes down to just doing what you want to do. It doesn't matter what others think.
If you want to take a girl home the same night you meet her thats fine. If it lasts for a night thats fine. If it turns into a multi month relationship thats also fine.
Its not about 'getting locked in' or 'leading girls on' or whatever. Its just about having fun and living life the way it makes you happy/
Dude, I would like to interview you for my readers on Upgradereality.
Let me know when you are free and if you're keen!
Cheers
Diggy
Likewise, Diggy!
Reminds me of a quote from Ayn Rand's book Atlas Shrugged:
"I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."
Whatever your preference, so long as you can find someone else who wants to partake (without coercion, of course), I say go for it. Have one night stands, dress up as chickens while you have sex or do nothing but missionary (and only after marriage) if you like. To each their own; trying to apply my own values to someone else's life would be silly (and an exercise in futility, if I want them to be happy).
Cool, shoot me an email and we'll set up a time!
Agreed. Limitations on relationships or preconceived directions for them will generally lead to more problems than just accepting them for what they are.
I wont rant too much on this because I agree with you precisely here.
Yup, I'm not too keen on limiting my life when there are plenty of people out there who can help me expand my horizons instead.
Colin, I think you've hit the nail on the head. The way it's the younger generations who want you to follow in their footsteps; to make the same mistakes they're making. I spent some time in a commune recently and figured something similar.
There are three types of people who will encourage you on your journey that stretches beyond the norms of society; The elderly (they've learned their lessons already, and don't want you to make the same mistakes). People who love their jobs (they realise you need to make sacrifices to achieve the lifestyle you want), and like minded people.
I've written more about this in my post here; http://www.beyondnorms.com/index.php/2010/11/commune_lessons/
I just found it interesting that we kind of came to the same conclusion with this! The fact you're building strong relationships, not just connections is a great inspiration and something people should take into their every day lives more and more.
The best investment anyone can make is in themselves.
The second best is in everyone else.
I've found that by investing in both, I get better yields from both (by entering into relationships that I value and with people I respect, I become a better person, and by becoming a better person I increase the chances that I will come into contact with those kinds of people and form relationships with them).
Best dividends ever :)
First of all if you're having sex before marriage you're going to hell...
haha No I'm just kidding! :P
I like what you said here - about making sure your values cross over into all areas of your life.
It's kind of like holistic medicine doctors vs. Specialists. Specialists are out there focusing on just 1 part of the body that they don't quite deeply understand how it reacts, relates too, and works with the rest of the body. So, they work extensively to fix a certain weak organ or sickness or injury, forgetting to think about the rest of the body and how somewhere down the line it needs to work in symphony with whatever is being fixed. Things aren't aligned anymore! The specialists are the people that stick with and strengthen their values in one area of their lives, and set it on the backburner in other areas of their lives. (not saying I'm not guilty here though haha)
If we only aim to be in touch with our values in certain aspects of our lives and not others, we're not in symphony. We're curing one thing and forgetting about the rest. Just like we need to think holistically about our body, we should also think holistically about our own lives in the grand scheme of life and towards even the most specific, small decisions.
So, polyamorous couples? ooo la la. haha
Enjoyed the writing! Nice to come across a post that actually makes people THINK!
-LAUREN :)
Haha, if I believed in hell I would already be there for MANY reasons :)
Great metaphor!
It's true, and it's SO easy to get caught up with just what you know and leave out all the other important things that you SHOULD know, and the same is true with your values. If they aren't liberally applied across your whole life, there are aspects of that philosophy you aren't investigating.
Who knows! You may discover you're following the wrong path, giving you the chance to correct your direction sooner rather than later.
Ah, those polyamorous couples! I've met a lot of them recently, and most seem to be having a pretty good time.
Thanks Lauren!
Hi there,
I guess I know where all those comments come from. They are pretty typical. But hey, look at the bright side - there are people who get it too. To each his/her own.
The only important thing is to keep on being true to oneself. I guess everything else falls into place. But when people live in society, there are certain 'trends / stereotypes' that people get stuck in. They can't think beyond. It's sad really.
Amen.
All you can do is live the best life you know how to live. That way you come out of it all happy, and hopefully others who are looking to achieve the same will watch you and find a way to achieve the same.
Yeah, which is meaner: having a short relationship with someone where you're upfront about the fact, or marrying someone because you feel you have to?
I wound up settling down because I wanted to settle down with my wife. Hey, if you're not comfortable or ready to right now, don't. You might in the future. You might not. Go the way you want to go. Don't mislead anybody and you'll be fine.
Agreed, and I would say that you're not likely to find yourself in a short-term thing with someone who doesn't want to be there (I'm sure there are exceptions, but I haven't come across this yet). The people who will be down for it will be thinking the same thing you are: let's have a good time while we have each other, and live it up!
Totally. Anytime someone asks me if I'll ever want to settle down, I just say 'maybe.'
How could I possibly know? The only constant is change, as they say, and I've had much more radical shifts in thought in the past. Though I'm not down for it now, it would be naive to say it could NEVER happen, and unless someone is completely stagnated, that's how everyone else is, as well.
Great post!
I have a similar issue with my friends and family because when they all assume you eventually have to settle down and get married. I don't assume that.
One of my friends is an amazing musician, but he says he can't be a touring musician because he "has" to settle down and have kids.
It's one thing to WANT to do that, obviously, but it's another thing to feel obligated.
Thanks!
For sure. It's an easy-out, to know where you're going because someone else has told you it has to be that way. For others it's an excuse to not have to take responsibility for your own decisions.
On the other hand, for some people it may be that they legitimately WANT to settle down with someone and the music thing isn't as important. In that case, I say go for it! Wedding it up! Invite me if there's an open bar!
Trackbacks
zack says: Great post!
I have a similar issue with my friends and family because when they all assume you eventually have to settle down and get married. I don’t assume that.
One of my friends is an amazing musician, but he says he can’t be a touring musician because he “has” to settle down and have kids.
It’s one thing to WANT to do that, obviously, but it’s another thing to feel obligated.
-
Thanks!
For sure. It’s an easy-out, to know where you’re going because someone else has told you it has to be that way. For others it’s an excuse to not have to take responsibility for your own decisions.
On the other hand, for some people it may be that they legitimately WANT to settle down with someone and the music thing isn’t as important. In that case, I say go for it! Wedding it up! Invite me if there’s an open bar!
Yeah, which is meaner: having a short relationship with someone where you’re upfront about the fact, or marrying someone because you feel you have to?
I wound up settling down because I wanted to settle down with my wife. Hey, if you’re not comfortable or ready to right now, don’t. You might in the future. You might not. Go the way you want to go. Don’t mislead anybody and you’ll be fine.
-
Agreed, and I would say that you’re not likely to find yourself in a short-term thing with someone who doesn’t want to be there (I’m sure there are exceptions, but I haven’t come across this yet). The people who will be down for it will be thinking the same thing you are: let’s have a good time while we have each other, and live it up!
Totally. Anytime someone asks me if I’ll ever want to settle down, I just say ‘maybe.’
How could I possibly know? The only constant is change, as they say, and I’ve had much more radical shifts in thought in the past. Though I’m not down for it now, it would be naive to say it could NEVER happen, and unless someone is completely stagnated, that’s how everyone else is, as well.
Purple Hatting says: Hi there,
I guess I know where all those comments come from. They are pretty typical. But hey, look at the bright side – there are people who get it too. To each his/her own.
The only important thing is to keep on being true to oneself. I guess everything else falls into place. But when people live in society, there are certain ‘trends / stereotypes’ that people get stuck in. They can’t think beyond. It’s sad really.
-
Amen.
All you can do is live the best life you know how to live. That way you come out of it all happy, and hopefully others who are looking to achieve the same will watch you and find a way to achieve the same.
First of all if you’re having sex before marriage you’re going to hell…
haha No I’m just kidding! :P
I like what you said here – about making sure your values cross over into all areas of your life.
It’s kind of like holistic medicine doctors vs. Specialists. Specialists are out there focusing on just 1 part of the body that they don’t quite deeply understand how it reacts, relates too, and works with the rest of the body. So, they work extensively to fix a certain weak organ or sickness or injury, forgetting to think about the rest of the body and how somewhere down the line it needs to work in symphony with whatever is being fixed. Things aren’t aligned anymore! The specialists are the people that stick with and strengthen their values in one area of their lives, and set it on the backburner in other areas of their lives. (not saying I’m not guilty here though haha)
If we only aim to be in touch with our values in certain aspects of our lives and not others, we’re not in symphony. We’re curing one thing and forgetting about the rest. Just like we need to think holistically about our body, we should also think holistically about our own lives in the grand scheme of life and towards even the most specific, small decisions.
So, polyamorous couples? ooo la la. haha
Enjoyed the writing! Nice to come across a post that actually makes people THINK!
-LAUREN :)
-
Haha, if I believed in hell I would already be there for MANY reasons :)
Great metaphor!
It’s true, and it’s SO easy to get caught up with just what you know and leave out all the other important things that you SHOULD know, and the same is true with your values. If they aren’t liberally applied across your whole life, there are aspects of that philosophy you aren’t investigating.
Who knows! You may discover you’re following the wrong path, giving you the chance to correct your direction sooner rather than later.
Ah, those polyamorous couples! I’ve met a lot of them recently, and most seem to be having a pretty good time.
Thanks Lauren!
Colin, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. The way it’s the younger generations who want you to follow in their footsteps; to make the same mistakes they’re making. I spent some time in a commune recently and figured something similar.
There are three types of people who will encourage you on your journey that stretches beyond the norms of society; The elderly (they’ve learned their lessons already, and don’t want you to make the same mistakes). People who love their jobs (they realise you need to make sacrifices to achieve the lifestyle you want), and like minded people.
I’ve written more about this in my post here; http://www.beyondnorms.com/index.php/2010/11/commune_lessons/
I just found it interesting that we kind of came to the same conclusion with this! The fact you’re building strong relationships, not just connections is a great inspiration and something people should take into their every day lives more and more.
-
The best investment anyone can make is in themselves.
The second best is in everyone else.
I’ve found that by investing in both, I get better yields from both (by entering into relationships that I value and with people I respect, I become a better person, and by becoming a better person I increase the chances that I will come into contact with those kinds of people and form relationships with them).
Best dividends ever :)
-
The best investment anyone can make is in themselves.
The second best is in everyone else.
I’ve found that by investing in both, I get better yields from both (by entering into relationships that I value and with people I respect, I become a better person, and by becoming a better person I increase the chances that I will come into contact with those kinds of people and form relationships with them).
Best dividends ever :)
Colin, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. The way it’s the younger generations who want you to follow in their footsteps; to make the same mistakes they’re making. I spent some time in a commune recently and figured something similar.
There are three types of people who will encourage you on your journey that stretches beyond the norms of society; The elderly (they’ve learned their lessons already, and don’t want you to make the same mistakes). People who love their jobs (they realise you need to make sacrifices to achieve the lifestyle you want), and like minded people.
I’ve written more about this in my post here; http://www.beyondnorms.com/index.php/2010/11/commune_lessons/
I just found it interesting that we kind of came to the same conclusion with this! The fact you’re building strong relationships, not just connections is a great inspiration and something people should take into their every day lives more and more.
Agreed. Limitations on relationships or preconceived directions for them will generally lead to more problems than just accepting them for what they are.
I wont rant too much on this because I agree with you precisely here.
-
Yup, I’m not too keen on limiting my life when there are plenty of people out there who can help me expand my horizons instead.
-
Yup, I’m not too keen on limiting my life when there are plenty of people out there who can help me expand my horizons instead.
[...] friend and “Business Partnerâ€(see Colin Wrights article from today) for lack of a better term, Cassandra, sitting next to me, and I were killing time, shooting the [...]
Hey Colin!
Happy new year man!
I can relate to what you’re saying in this post. I think it comes down to just doing what you want to do. It doesn’t matter what others think.
If you want to take a girl home the same night you meet her thats fine. If it lasts for a night thats fine. If it turns into a multi month relationship thats also fine.
Its not about ‘getting locked in’ or ‘leading girls on’ or whatever. Its just about having fun and living life the way it makes you happy/
Dude, I would like to interview you for my readers on Upgradereality.
Let me know when you are free and if you’re keen!
Cheers
Diggy
-
Likewise, Diggy!
Reminds me of a quote from Ayn Rand’s book Atlas Shrugged:
“I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
Whatever your preference, so long as you can find someone else who wants to partake (without coercion, of course), I say go for it. Have one night stands, dress up as chickens while you have sex or do nothing but missionary (and only after marriage) if you like. To each their own; trying to apply my own values to someone else’s life would be silly (and an exercise in futility, if I want them to be happy).
Cool, shoot me an email and we’ll set up a time!
-
Likewise, Diggy!
Reminds me of a quote from Ayn Rand’s book Atlas Shrugged:
“I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
Whatever your preference, so long as you can find someone else who wants to partake (without coercion, of course), I say go for it. Have one night stands, dress up as chickens while you have sex or do nothing but missionary (and only after marriage) if you like. To each their own; trying to apply my own values to someone else’s life would be silly (and an exercise in futility, if I want them to be happy).
Cool, shoot me an email and we’ll set up a time!
-
Likewise, Diggy!
Reminds me of a quote from Ayn Rand’s book Atlas Shrugged:
“I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
Whatever your preference, so long as you can find someone else who wants to partake (without coercion, of course), I say go for it. Have one night stands, dress up as chickens while you have sex or do nothing but missionary (and only after marriage) if you like. To each their own; trying to apply my own values to someone else’s life would be silly (and an exercise in futility, if I want them to be happy).
Cool, shoot me an email and we’ll set up a time!
Colin,
Very interesting. Would love to discuss this with you in person next time I see you.
Joshua
Well each to their own. Different strokes for different folks etc. But here’s my experience. I was married for 13 years (together 16 years), divorced, various “relationship lites” for several years, chased down some *very* gorgeous women in Malaysia and Thailand. That was fun. Then met someone wonderful (a filipina working as a nurse here in the UK) and we’ve been together 4 years. But we each maintain separate homes, separate lives, while at the same time sharing many wonderful experiences together. But here’s the thing – I will never, ever get married again – because I’ve discovered it’s not right for me. I would never live full-time with a partner again, because it’s also not right for me. I really enjoy my own space and freedom, and I’ve accepted that because it’s who I am, I don’t want to get married again because of “convention”. p.s. and sorry this might be controversial, switching to Asian women made a huge difference for me. I couldn’t be happier!
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Haha, whatever kind of women (or men) someone happens to prefer, I say more power to them for figuring out what they like and doing it. That’s more than most people are able to say, because in general we tend to just do what we’re ‘supposed’ to do based on the ideals of the mainstream public opinion.
And just like design-by-committee, relationships-by-committee are a terrible idea.
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Haha, whatever kind of women (or men) someone happens to prefer, I say more power to them for figuring out what they like and doing it. That’s more than most people are able to say, because in general we tend to just do what we’re ‘supposed’ to do based on the ideals of the mainstream public opinion.
And just like design-by-committee, relationships-by-committee are a terrible idea.
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Haha, whatever kind of women (or men) someone happens to prefer, I say more power to them for figuring out what they like and doing it. That’s more than most people are able to say, because in general we tend to just do what we’re ‘supposed’ to do based on the ideals of the mainstream public opinion.
And just like design-by-committee, relationships-by-committee are a terrible idea.
Anonymous says: Hello.
I love & adore you.
That in no way contributes anything to this conversation, but I don’t care.
The end.
There is a balance and an answer in there for everyone.
For me, I have been married and divorced, and am now remarried. First time I was young and stupid. 2nd time, I married someone who not only challenges me, but supports me and enhances my life. Best part, she is equally as much up for an adventure as I am, and it fits my life just as I want it. I could not be happier.
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It’s true.
I doubt there’s anyone out there with an identical ideal-path when it comes to relationships.
It complicates things ever further that there are two (or more!) people’s needs to consider and fit into the scheme!
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It’s true.
I doubt there’s anyone out there with an identical ideal-path when it comes to relationships.
It complicates things ever further that there are two (or more!) people’s needs to consider and fit into the scheme!
Cool thoughts.
On the topic of settling down, I find marriage an odd tradition and I don’t see the point in it. Why spend all that money to swear and promise to someone else that you will love the person in your life? Do you really need to sign some documents and pay a bunch of money to love someone whole heartedly for the rest of your life?
I have goals of being with one girly and raising a family, but marriage seems to be an inconsequential part of that plan. I’ll probably get roped into it by the girly and I would do it to make her happy, but I still don’t see the point of them…
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Yeah, I’m not a huge proponent of it, either, but I get that some people really want it, and that’s great if it works for them!
I’m thinking we’ll be seeing more and more ‘marriage alternatives’ in the near-future, since there are fewer and fewer people wanting to be involved with the religious aspects of it, and more people just wanting a way to take their relationship to the next level (which, of course, means something different to everyone).
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Yeah, I’m not a huge proponent of it, either, but I get that some people really want it, and that’s great if it works for them!
I’m thinking we’ll be seeing more and more ‘marriage alternatives’ in the near-future, since there are fewer and fewer people wanting to be involved with the religious aspects of it, and more people just wanting a way to take their relationship to the next level (which, of course, means something different to everyone).
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Yeah, I’m not a huge proponent of it, either, but I get that some people really want it, and that’s great if it works for them!
I’m thinking we’ll be seeing more and more ‘marriage alternatives’ in the near-future, since there are fewer and fewer people wanting to be involved with the religious aspects of it, and more people just wanting a way to take their relationship to the next level (which, of course, means something different to everyone).
Erica says: so, what do you reply when they ask those questions then?
ps polyamorous is actually a word :O
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Usually I just smile and nod, knowing that either way my opinion won’t matter too much to them.
If anyone truly seems interested, I’m happy to discuss it, of course, but in general I find that people give opinions because doing so makes us feel like we have control over our environment – like we can impact our world, and someone else’s.
I don’t see much point to arguing with someone over something so small, especially when doing so might upset them, rather than leading to anything positive.
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Usually I just smile and nod, knowing that either way my opinion won’t matter too much to them.
If anyone truly seems interested, I’m happy to discuss it, of course, but in general I find that people give opinions because doing so makes us feel like we have control over our environment – like we can impact our world, and someone else’s.
I don’t see much point to arguing with someone over something so small, especially when doing so might upset them, rather than leading to anything positive.
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It’s true, and I would say that there is no one RIGHT thing to do, so much as some smart things to keep in mind that you will then have to adjust based on your particular circumstances.
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It’s true, and I would say that there is no one RIGHT thing to do, so much as some smart things to keep in mind that you will then have to adjust based on your particular circumstances.
Ro says: The way look at it from my experience is:
Words such as “settling”, “locked”, “tied”, “sacrifice” are indicative of an unhealthy attachment to someone – restricting, confining, stifling – seems almost like one person is being held prisoner by the other. No relationship will last forever that is entered into like this.
Sexual desire subsides sometimes immediately, sometimes over time and it is often a very big surprise to a lot of people – they discover the other persons true nature at this time and a lot of relationships end at this point. Relationships based on sex are also an unhealthy attachment and will not last either.
“Meaningful”, “valuable”, “respect” – I appreciate the words that you utilize when speaking of relationships – relationships with everyone, friend, lover, whatever, should include these principles. Respect, naturally includes honesty of your intentions. Also, many factors go into a couple being able to be happy together for a lifetime.
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Very well said.
I would add that it’s not just relationships based on sexual desire that can wane and subside completely, but also fully-balanced relationships. The thing is, people change and it’s inevitable that you either stagnate together or continue to grow. Either one is risky, because with the former you both plateau and that’s a very negative thing, and with the latter (unless you’re prepared for it and able to grow WITH each other, which is incredibly difficult and rare) you will slowly grow apart as you evolve.
Overall, it’s just incredibly tough to have a truly perfect relationship, and I would argue that they don’t really exist, it’s just that some people can be happier working within boundaries than others (which is great for them, because they don’t have to worry about this as much! Sucks for the rest of us, though).
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In order to have a perfect relationship both would have to have spontaneous unconditional compassion towards each other at all times – difficult for most humans not to get irritated at one time or another. But the more compassion and understanding the couple has towards each other, the better the relationship will be. I would slay mutually agreeable boundaries, subject to discussion and adjustment over time.
The media illusion of what makes the perfect couple and the perfect relationship is spoon fed to people like everything else these days, giving people unrealistic expectations and a feeling of not having all that they need or deserve in a relationship and they become disappointed.
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I mean “say” not “slay” too funny.
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Sumgai says: So what do you do when you find that you’re less than impressed by people around you?
People who talk big, give loads of life advice but don’t have the results to show it.
Because that’s what I’m experiencing right now. People twice my age, thinking they’re so wise because they’ve lived longer than me. Haven’t done anything to deserve that wisdom though. Unless you count vegetating in front of the TV and gossiping/judging others acquiring wisdom.
I’ll like to remove myself completely from them, but they’re relatives and people that I come into contact everyday.
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Truthfully, I usually just smile and nod and move on. In most cases people don’t want a debate, they want a soap box. If you quietly seem to agree without committing to anything, you aren’t lying to them and you aren’t trying to force them into a conversation they don’t want to have.
My favorite phrases for this kind of ‘silent disagreement’ include:
“Makes sense.”
“Glad to hear you found what works for you!”
“Good deal.”
“Interesting stuff, I didn’t know that.”Basically giving them credit for wanting to give you advice, but without offending them by telling them that what they know or have experienced isn’t really applicable to you. No need to make an enemy.
That being said, every once in a while someone will push the issue, and in that case you should calmly list facts and rational arguments. Don’t attack their ideas, don’t give opinions. Either one of these things will shut down the part of their brain that allows for integration of new information (this is a physical thing, not a psychological one) and nothing you say will be taken in by them.
Remember, too: there’s no need to ‘win’ in this kind of situation. It’s tempting to want to destroy an argument that you feel is crazy or inferior to yours, but you don’t gain anything by doing this. Be the bigger person and be calm, collected and rational the whole way through.
Jen says: I think it’s funny how people say “be true to yourself” and all that jazz… but then they say “don’t be like that, it’s wrong.” Hey, if what you’re doing works for you and you’re being honest to everyone involved (sounds like you are) then good for you. It’s not right for me, but right now neither is extreme minimalism. Variety is the spice of life.
Folks talk about relationships as though they have geologic qualities; as though they must either explode or quietly erode away to nothing. To me, the phrase “settling down” sounds like a euphemism for death.
The ancient Celtic pagans had it right, I think. Their marriage ritual, handfasting, involved picking a partner for a year and a day. At that point, they were offered the option to renew. I think the key here is that everyone in the situation understood the delightfully sexy power in really, truly choosing to be with someone, over and over again. I vote for a reinstatement of the practice.
I was in your shoes and traveled the world and did my thing and then I met a foreign girl who I fell in love with in Ukraine. I had the same attitude as you, but the only problem here with this attitude is that when you fall in love you have no control over that… so never say never. And btw, I still travel the world but I take her with me now and we experience it together.
Meg @ www.onelovemeg.com says: Just stumbled upon your blog and decided to check this post out first. Typical girl right? Isn’t is wonderful how everyone wants to decide what your relationship story is. I am 27, not married and don’t have plans to be married anytime soon. Family and friends are always on me for this, but I am doing exactly what I want to be doing right now. If I am OK, then what’s their concern. I totally hear ya! Enjoy your meaningful relationships! I know I am! :)
[...] a student of philosophy myself (and someone who constantly preaches about how important it is to put one’s philosophy into practice, rather than just talking [...]
[...] A mix of philosophical musings, travel adventures and entrepreneurial advice, his posts detail the time he was almost arrested for lewd conduct in a Kolkata taxi, as well his take on sex and becoming philosophically aligned. [...]
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[...] a student of philosophy myself (and someone who constantly preaches about how important it is to put one’s philosophy into practice, rather than just talking [...]
[...] A mix of philosophical musings, travel adventures and entrepreneurial advice, his posts detail the time he was almost arrested for lewd conduct in a Kolkata taxi, as well his take on sex and becoming philosophically aligned. [...]