Hi Colin,

I hope you’re well. I’ve been a fan of your work for some time and attended your recent talk in Atlanta. I’ve been thinking a lot about intentionality, awareness, connection, etc. and I’ve run into a dilemma. I’m curious about your thoughts on this.

So, I feel like my time and my attention are the most valuable things I have and I want to spend them well. One of the first things that minimalism taught me was to let go not only of the material things that weigh me down/fail to add value to my life, but also to be more aware of where I direct my attention and to let go of anything I spend my time/attention on that weighs me down or fails to add value to my life (including habits, relationships, etc).

Intentionality has also taught me how to connect with people more authentically. I truly believe that every person’s “internal world” is as rich/complex/deep/unique as my own, and that every encounter or conversation I have with another person is an opportunity to learn from them.

The dilemma is that while I want to connect with everyone I encounter in a genuine and meaningful way, I also find myself in relationships (platonic, romantic, even family) where I feel like I’m being weighed down; where I feel like I’m not connecting; not learning from the other person; not being seen for who I am. Then I start to feel like the relationships aren’t worth my time or attention (and this feels uncomfortable to say, mainly because I don’t want to dismiss people as being not “worth” my time/attention, not “worth” connecting to, etc.).

I feel like on some level, my ability to connect with someone or learn from someone is a matter of my own mental openness, and theoretically I should be able to achieve genuine connection with anyone I meet. At the same time, it’s really really difficult to do this with people who I perceive to be “materialistic” or “shallow” (or otherwise spending their time/attention on things that I believe to be not worthwhile). But I don’t want to categorize people like this because, again, I know they are as real and complex and human as I am.

I’ve had relationships where I completely let go and walked away and felt tremendously free/light/restored afterwards, but I feel like this isn’t a sustainable solution? It seems incredibly limiting and isolating (and counterproductive to the goal of connecting with people) to let go of people/relationships with the same totality and conviction that I have when I let go of material things or habits.

I know this was a bit ramble-y and a lot to read, so I appreciate your time in advance. I’m not necessarily looking for advice (although that’s great if you have it); I’m more just curious if you’ve run into the same dilemma and if so whether you’ve come to a conclusion or a way around it?

-Olivia

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Hey Olivia-

It’s kind of a conundrum, right?

I would argue, though, that you’re taking a little too much responsibility onto yourself, because there’s another person involved in that communication, and if they’re not game to be as immersed and intentional about the connection as you are, there’s not a lot you can do about that; at least in the short-term.

I’ve had similar experiences, having to let go of relationships that were dragging me down for one reason or another.

I’ve also had experiences where previously closed or limited relationships have opened up, grown and evolved, either because I learned some new way to communicate more clearly, or the other person learned something that caused them to grow, to change, to open up, or whatever else.

I think it’s a wonderful ambition to make that connection with everyone you meet (potentially and time-allowing, at least), and I totally agree that there’s an opportunity for growth and learning with every possible relationship/connection.

But!

We have finite time and energy, and that means although the potential exists, it’s probably not prudent to decide it’s necessary to make each and every connection, and as fully as possible, with the only alternative being to mourn the connection not made, the potential not reached.

Living with intention means pruning and focusing, and sometimes that means missing potentially great opportunities in favor of other potentially great opportunities.

And that, in some cases, will mean shifting away from relationships that aren’t working, moving toward those that already are, or those which could open up in a different way—or it means focusing on yourself and your own inner-world, instead.

So a shorter answer might be: I think you’re looking at things the right way, but that you shouldn’t take all the responsibility onto your own shoulders.

Look at these things as a dance and leave room for other people to learn the steps, but don’t be ashamed if you want to sometimes free up your dance card for people who’ve been practicing more enthusiastically, or those with whom you know you already have dance-chemistry.

It’s okay to prefer, to prioritize, and to engage in different sorts of relationships, rather than exclusively the burgeoning stages of new ones.

Thanks for coming out to the Atlanta event! And enjoy the dance.