Colin,

How do I decide what to do with my life?

I’m 24 and having a quarter-life crisis and what I’m doing now isn’t working.

Ren

—

Hey Ren-

This is a big question with no universal answer.

You’re not alone in asking it, though. Of all the questions I receive each month, probably a forth of them contain some variation of this concern, and the limited research that’s been done on the subject shows that folks around the world are likewise asking themselves what to do next, how to spend their time, and ultimately, how to find meaning in their lives.

Research done on midlife crises have found that they’re probably not psychological time-bombs waiting to go off once we reach a certain age. Instead, they’re a combination of issues that hit us all at once, aggregating over the course of our lives and landing within a particular age-range because it’s during that period that we’re most likely to have built some kind of career, started a family, figured out our place in society, and worked toward a portfolio of goals.

It’s also a moment in which we’re likely to begin thinking about retirement, to notice the downsides of our relationships, our families, our careers. It’s a moment in which biological changes mess with our perception of who we are, and a moment in which we look around at what all our time and effort has earned us and ask ourselves if it was worth it.

Real or not in the sense of being a biological predisposition, there are similar circumstances for many people entering their mid-20s, as they move, broadly, from the educational phase of their lives into the “real world” phase, with biological changes, relationship adjustments, social shifts, and a new set of goals converging into a wave of philosophical unknowns, monetary concerns, perceived social expectations, and professional overwhelm.

Whether the crisis emerges in one’s twenties or sometime between forty-five and fifty-five, then, the pressure is real, the confusion is understandable, and honestly there’s no bad time to step back and question everything, so let’s talk a bit about that.

When we’re young, most of us are handed a set of templated lifestyle choices and goals by well-meaning people. Our parents, teachers, mentors, faith leaders, public figures, and other such influences help guide us through a confusing and complex world by telling us what success looks like, how to prepare for it, and what path we should take at all the forks we encounter along the way.

The provided lifestyle maps are fantastic for some, ill-fitting for others, and utterly chaffing for an unfortunate few. Most of us land somewhere along the spectrum between those extremes, and most of us will question the paths we’ve taken, and which we should take, at some point (or points) along the way.

Such questioning is wonderful, because it gives us the chance to look at what we’re doing in context, and it provides us with the opportunity to make changes to what we’re doing.

But it’s also uncomfortable.

It’s not enjoyable to recognize flaws in our progress and plans, and it’s not pleasant to have worked hard to progress along a particular path, only to realize later that you actually, maybe, want to be on another path entirely.

This is why some people will either assiduously avoid looking at that larger context, lest they see something disconcerting, or will decide that they want what they’re pursuing, whether that’s actually true or not.

There’s, arguably, nothing wrong with making the best of what you’ve got, even if it isn’t your absolute, 100% ideal. There’s something to be said for loving the one you’re with, if you can’t be with the one you love (as a wise man once said). The same can be true of making the best of a non-ideal lifestyle situation, especially when the consequences of making a dramatic change would be worse than staying the course.

We can’t control everything that happens, but we can control the way we respond to those things.

But more ideal, in most cases, is giving ourselves the chance to make tweaks along the way so that a supremely non-optimal lifestyle doesn’t congeal around us, locking us into something that we have to be utterly stoic to appreciate.

That in mind, consider that where you’re at now—questioning things—is an excellent place to be.

You’re asking yourself whether the metrics of success you’ve been using are the right ones, and if not, which ones might be more ideal.

Not everyone makes it to that point, as life incentivizes us, in many compelling ways, to keep going, stay the course, and never question the fundamental principles of the reality into which we’re born. Kudos on that.

The next step, ideally, will involve exposing yourself to new things, new people, and new ideas, so that you have more data to work from, a broader understanding of what’s possible, and a wider perspective from which to view the world.

From there, consider giving yourself the opportunity to check in with yourself on a regular basis so you can iteratively implement what you learn into your understanding of the world, ideological framework, and the way you live your life.

I set aside twenty minutes a day for precisely this, sitting and doing nothing at all—no music, no podcasts, no chanting mantras; just thinking.

It’s a boring process some of the time, but that boredom is part of it: I have literally nothing else to do, so my mind is forced to confront all the things I’ve learned, all the things I’ve been worrying about, and the uncomfortable questions I’d otherwise never get around to addressing because there’s always something more interesting in which I can indulge.

Other people opt for different habits that accomplish the same ends, and I encourage you try to out a bunch of different meditations, rituals, routines, and habits, to see what works for you: in terms of you actually doing it consistently, and it terms of it helping you take what you’re learning from your explorations and applying it to your way of thinking and doing things.

One last suggest is to regularly ask yourself these questions:

What specifically makes me truly happy?

And

How might I leave the world better than I found it?

Keep asking yourself these questions, and you may find that they help nudge you in a positive direction.