To what degree is what I want shaped by how I think others will treat me if I get it?

This is a question I ask myself semi-regularly, as I think it helps me focus on what’s truly important to me—in an internal, holistic sense—rather than on impressive-seeming, socially (or tribally) respectable trophies that may earn me accolades, but will not necessarily contribute to my fulfillment and growth.

For many of us, there isn’t an obvious, intuitive delineation between “things I want because I, personally, will be fulfilled by them in some way” and “things I want because other people will be impressed if I have them, which will then maybe fulfill me in some way,” but it’s worth attempting categorization because of how these motivations can shape our lives.

Something I try to remember when mulling over new enthusiasms is that while I may discover useful, valuable, fulfilling activities and pursuits by exploring the portfolio of goals and rewards offered up by society, pursued by others, and presented to me via all sorts of messaging and cultural norms, filtering these possible “wants” through the sieve of “will this produce an internal sense of satisfaction, or mostly just a social one?” tends to help me home in on the actual motivations behind such pursuits.

This, in turn, helps me focus my time and attention (and resources) on the most directly valuable stuff (for me and my priorities).

From there I can ask myself “What is it that I find to be valuable about this specific pastime?” or “What is the fundamental benefit of investing myself in this over some other thing I might invest in, instead?”

This can help me more clearly see what it is about a particular want that is desirable, which in turn makes it easier (though not always negligible) to categorize that want as an extrinsic (borrowed from others) or intrinsic (inherent to me) desire.

I try to prioritize the latter whenever possible, but also allow for the possibility that the former may (at times) provide inspiration or direction toward the latter, or that a widely held extrinsic goal might turn out to be intrinsic to me (that’s a tricky line to walk, though, as extrinsic goals can superficially seem intrinsic if we don’t give them a close enough look or approach them with humility).

It’s an imperfect process, determining the sources of one’s motivations.

We’re memetic creatures, looking out into the world to ascertain what’s valuable and thus worthy of pursuit, and this is true for everything from the clothes we wear to the labels we use to define ourselves.

Periodically checking in can help, though, especially when we’re considering a major investment (of time, energy, or resources) or significant pivot (new job, new relationship, new self-definition) and are keen to figure out if that potential realignment will move us closer to someplace we’d actually like to be, or if it will simply relocate us to someplace different from where we are, currently.

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