Dear Colin,

My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for over two years now and he has been an excellent friend, communicator, lover and confidante. I love him more every day and feel blessed to have a relationship built on equality and openness.

Recently, he has been promoted at work and asked to go back to university on the side to add another degree to his master’s.

Now, he spends most time working, studying, relaxing in front of a computer game, or with me, eating dinner and watching a movie or documentary.

He has shared his concerns that he might be neglecting me and I have told him that is not the case. That is an important point: I don’t think he could do what he does any better and wouldn’t want to change him at all.

But I am an energetic person, I wake up very early because my body wants me to, I am doing a full-time engineering degree, working, go to my martial arts training at least four times a week, love to do extended bike rides and read with ferocious hunger.

My question is, how do we puzzle our lives together? How do I talk to him about this and what can I do to prevent us from going bitter?

I don’t want him to feel like he is holed in while I do all these things without him, but I also can’t seem to find a way to share my experiences with him in what little time he has.

Where I find my balance in exerting myself, he needs to rest and chill and I want to respect and honour that without becoming a stranger.

I hope it is clear to you that I don’t see this as a problem yet, but one to be prevented.

Thanks for your work and your book recommendations.

Cheers,

Sam

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Hey Sam-

I wrote a book about relationships, and one of the chapters is about what I call the I’ll Tell You Policy.

This policy says, in essence, that if you and your partner can agree to clearly and calmly communicate when something is wrong, then you needn’t ever worry that something is up, unless they’ve told you so, explicitly.

It sounds like you probably already have a solid communication channel in place. I mention this policy because it’s easy to accidentally create problems by worrying about potential problems; a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s also worth asking yourself whether this concern about potential future ramifications of how you and your partner are living, today, is a reflection of your own standards, or whether it’s perhaps a reflection of how you believe you’re supposed to feel and supposed to be interacting within a relationship.

Ideally, our relationships are built for the people in them, but because of how relationships are portrayed in literature, film, music, and other bits of pop culture, it’s possible to compare our relationships to the default standard we’re provided by society, and feel like we’re coming up short.

These differences, though, are a reflection of differing needs, priorities, and personalities. Yes, it’s possible to follow the default relationship map and live a perfectly happy life. But it’s also possible to build something you-shaped: something that is custom-tailored for you and your partner’s needs, optimized for your fulfillment.

All of which is to say: it’s great that you’re forecasting what the future might bring, and doing your best to address issues before they become issues. But keep in mind that your situation, different as it might be from a more traditional setup, is perfectly fine, as is. Don’t worry about deviations from the norm, if those deviations are giving everyone involved what they need.

That said, it doesn’t hurt to work through “what if” scenarios periodically, in case a pivot needs to be made at some point, or circumstances change in some meaningful way.

This might mean coming up with an agreed-upon method of signalling to each other when something feels off, so that you can make time to have a conversation about it before it becomes a real-deal issue.

You might also consider building flexible rituals or routines into your lifestyle, which can serve as a framework for connection, even if, most of the time, you’re living your individual lives, having a blast doing your own thing.

You might, for example, come up with a few activities that you’ll do together on a regular basis, beyond the periodic and unpredictable moments when your normal habits bring you into contact with each other.

This might mean committing to eating one meal each day together, or making a weekly visit to a park or museum—someplace you can walk and talk and meander a little.

The specific activity is less important than the fact that it’s an excuse for you both to step outside your normal rhythms, to focus on being together. Also important is doing so on a regular enough basis that you don’t feel guilty about spending time alone, or worry that you might fall out of touch and lose a sense of your partner as they grow.

What’s nice about your situation is that you needn’t stress about any of this, because you’re ahead of the game. You’re laying groundwork for what comes next, rather than scrambling to reinforce something that’s crumbling.

The trick is making sure that you don’t build a framework so rigid that it can’t change as you change, grow as your partnership grows. You don’t want to risk losing sight of the wonderful thing you have by fixating overmuch the future.

One final thought: recognize that you’re in a relationship with someone who is happy to see you living your own life according to your own standards for what that should look like, and that you’ve given your partner the same gift.

That’s a wonderful thing, and not something that should be taken for granted.

Keep that in mind, keep communicating with each other, and remember that what you’ve got is remarkably you-shaped and entirely valid no matter how much or how little it colors within the lines.

Continue to think about how you might dodge future pitfalls, but never to the detriment of enjoying what you’ve got right now.